My Insecurities (We could be here a while)

I'm going to start with a little story that shows quite a bit of the extent of my issues.

Martin and I went on a trip a few years back. We left the girlies with my parents and we took a trip to the Grand Canyon. I won't go into a lot of details of the trip, because they just don't matter to this post, but one thing really does.

I was raised in Joseph City, Arizona. We lived there until the summer of 1991 and then we moved to Willcox. I loved living in Joseph City. I had lots of friends and I knew most of the people there. I was involved in many different things: cheer, dance, track, piano lessons, volleyball, choir, and I'm sure that there are a few others that I don't remember. But the biggest thing I loved was the friendships. Not only with my "friends" but with my friends families, the families that I babysat for, the people from church, school teachers, etc. I love people and love being with people who I know and love.

So, as we are planning out trip to the Grand Canyon, I ask Martin if he would mind if we came home a different way so that we could drive through Joseph City. I really wanted to get some pictures of the places that I loved and that had a huge impact on my life. He said that he wouldn't mind that, so on our way home, that is what we did. I was so excited to see these places and to just be in Joseph City. Yeah, it is different from when my family lived there, but so much is still the same.

As we were driving into town, these insecurites started cropping up. I am so much heavier than I was when we lived there. Will anyone remember me, or even want to see me? Will Martin find "my town" to be boring and crappy? Will it be an inconvience for us to actually stop and take some pictures? We are so tired after our trip and just want to get home, so am I being selfish to even want to stop. Will Martin be bored if I stop to visit anyone? Why would I want to stop and visit anyone since I don't know what to say? Will I look silly because I can't think of anything to say? My life is so boring, what would I have to talk about. Would these people feel like they had to visit with me just to make me feel good but I'm really interrupting and stealing their time?

You see where I am going here. All of these things kept me from enjoying my little trip to "my town". We stayed in town all of ten minutes. I took a few pictures of a few different places, but I didn't once get out of the car. So, all I have to show for this exciting part of the trip, is some crappy pictures and a few more things to dislike myself for.

It is weird because I know how excited I would have been to be able to see some of the people who meant so much to me growing up. Why can't I convince myself that some of those same people might be just as excited to see me? Why can't I realize that maybe some of my old friends, who I miss and love, might feel the same about me and want to know me now as much as I want to know them now?

I have found the blogs of a few people who I have known in my past. I read their posts usually the same day as they post it. Do I comment? Do I let these people know that I am thinking about them and that I care to know what is going on in their lives? Nope, I just read and then feel bad that I am reading and not letting them know. Is it creepy for me to read and not let them know that I read?

It is a vicious circle. I can trace some of this back to two distinct things that happened to me in my life. Of course those two things don't hold all of the blame. The real blame is mine, because I allow these kinds of things to stick with me and impact me negatively. The problem is that I don't find enough good in myself to overcome the crappy things that happened to me. I have always been shy and reserved.

But these things did have a huge impact and they did have a bad influnce on me. To some others the might seem like tiny little things, but they are a big deal to me. I am not going to use names, because that isn't what this is about, but maybe sharing the stories will help.

When my family moved from Joseph City to Willcox, I had a very hard time with it. The move happened right before my junior year of high school. In Joseph City, as I have stated before, I had lots of friends. I knew lots of people and I had a lot of things that I loved to do. I never really had to learn how to make all new friends. Yeah, I had made new friends in Joseph City, but I still had my other friends. I was out of my element. I hated living in Willcox.

I met and "made friends" with two girls. One was the "leader" and it seemed that whatever she said was the way that it went. We ended up doing a few things that I knew were wrong, that I didn't want to do in the first place, but did because she did. I was a follower, and I followed. I can't put all of the blame on her. She didn't hold a gun to my head, but I was so desperate for friendship, that I didn't want to rock the boat.

On my birthday that year, these two girls gave me a card. I don't remember the exact words of the entire card, but the part that made me hurt was when it said that these girls didn't really like me. They just hung out with me because they felt sorry for me. That was awful, and on my birthday!!! Yeah, it is sad, but what is even worse is that knowing how they felt, I still hung out with them for most of that whole year, because I didn't have anyone else. It was a very toxic friendship, but I desired friendship so much, I didn't care enough about myself to go and find new friends.

Even now it is hard for me to make friends because I always tell myself that these people are just being nice to be because they feel sorry for me. Realistically I know that isn't the case with everyone.

After Martin and I got married we moved to Texas. We lived there for six months, and in those six months I never had any friends. We would go to his gaming group and I would associate with the people there, but I never made any friends. I was inactive in the church since Martin wasn't a member and the one time that I did go, the people were not very friendly.

After Texas we moved to Germany. I didn't have any friends there either, until when I was in the hospital having Sydney. Martin put my religion down on the admission paperwork when he filled it out, and an older missionary couple who volunteered at the Red Cross noticed. They contacted the Branch President of the branch in Baumholder, and he made the trip to the hospital to visit. After that I began to go to church again. I made some friends through church. Some were really good friends but others I just thought were good friends. There was one woman who I hung out with the most. I shared many things with her that I never shared with anyone else in confidence that she would not share this with anyone.

After a few weeks, someone else come up to me to discuss one of those things. I know for sure who it came from because she was the only one who I shared this with. I felt so betrayed. I trusted her, and she threw that in my face. After that I began to look at her differently. I noticed the things that she shared about other people and the way in which she shared them. She put people down and gossiped so much about people, but was so nice and fake to their faces.

The biggest example of this was when we were at the church scrapbooking. She was bad mouthing one woman in the branch who had been having some major health issues with her pregnancy. She was being really nasty and unkind about this person having someone come into her house to clean for her. That person volunteered to help the pregnant person out because her husband was in the field and she was so sick that she was in the hosiptal every few days because of dehydration. The mean woman said, "It must be nice to have someone else come and clean your house for you." She said it so mean and nasty. It was awful. The mean woman had no idea who the "cleaning friend" was, just that the "pregnant woman" had someone over to clean. Little did she know that the "cleaning friend" was sitting at that very table with us, and heard every nasty thing that she said.

And do you know what I did. I still hung out with the mean friend. I have a habit of doing that stuff, I guess, but other than that, I don't know why. When we moved on to Ft. Carson, CO., that mean friend and her family were also transferred to Ft. Carson. I still hung out with her.

She hurt me badly, repeatedly, but I just took it. I didn't stand up for myself or for any of those people that she talked about, and that made me feel like crap. I watched her hurt many people, and I never did anything about it. That sucked and it made me dislike myself even more.

Now I get to me now. I have a hard time making friends, still. I always feel that the people who are nice to me, are only that way because they feel sorry for me. For my few real friends that I still have contact with, I never know what to say to them. I feel that my life is so boring that I just don't have anything to say, so rather than be uncomfortable, I choose to stay at home with Martin and the girls. I'm comfortable here at home, so I this is where I stay unless I'm at work. I hate to call and ask my friends for any favors because I feel like I'm taking advantage of their friendship. I feel that since I don't hang out with them, that it is horrible of me to ask them to do me a favor, even when they tell me that they are happy to help and that they really don't mind helping.

I have issues. This just covers a few of them too. My poor husband is a saint for putting up with my emotional basket-case self. So, to all of those friends who might read this blog. I promise that it isn't you. I do love all of my friends. I do care about you and wonder how you are doing. I do think about you in your struggles. I do want to have contact with you and be there for you. I honestly just don't know how at this point to get over these crappy feelings about myself.

I also worry that my friends might think that I don't believe that you are my friends. I do KNOW that I have friends who really do care. I guess at this point I just don't feel worthy to have those friends care. I'm pretty damaged.

(And now, reading this back, I doubt myself again. Is anyone going to understand me? Will I hurt anyone's feelings by what I said? Will my real friends doubt me and my crappy self? Will people think I'm just looking for sympathy? It's a mess, but I'm going to post it anyway.)