1st Journal Jar post

Now I begin the first of many journal jar posts. I have to complete this one as one of my 101 Things, but I also want to complete it for me. I think that getting the memories and things about me down in some sort of medium is a good idea. A good idea for my girls to read later in life and know a bit more about the thoughts and feelings of their mom, but also a good idea because sometimes just putting thoughts and feelings down on "paper" is like a form of therapy.

And the question is: Do you doodle? What figures tend to come up? Boxes, circles, faces...

Yes, I doodle. Not as much as I used to, but if I have a pen and paper in hand, I am usually doing something. Mostly I write names, usually those in my family. I practice different ways of writing the letters. Different dots, swirls, and lines to make the letters look more interesting. I also doodle lots of hearts and flowers. I actually want to get better at my doodling. I love the look of doodled borders and letters on scrapbooking pages.

Now this is probably going a bit further than the question really asks for, but I think I know the reason for my constant doodling. Besides always wanting to improve my handwriting, I seem to have a nervous habit in that I always have to be doing something with my hands. It is not nearly as bad now as it used to be, but it is still there. The biting of the fingernails, tearing off labels on my soda and water bottles, doodling, cutting paper, all of that are things that I can do with my hands to keep them busy.

Most times my constantly having to do something isn't a bad thing. I have created quite a few beautiful cross-stitch projects and other crafty type things. I like to craft or doodle while watching TV, movies, and stuff like that. Some things I do are not so good though. Biting my fingernails is something I wish that I could stop. There are times that I will go quite a while without doing it, but others that they are just horrible.

Eating is another thing. I am not really an emotional eater. I'm more of a bored eater. If I don't have anything to do or am bored, but especially if I don't have something productive to do with my hands, I find that I use them to eat more than I should. This one has to stop as well.

And then there are my my annoying things that I do when I am nervous or irritated. I will tell the most interesting example.

I remember back to my first semester at college. I lived with a good friend from high school in a very small fifth wheel trailer. We were great friends in high school, but I think the living situation for that semester just wasn't a very good thing. I think that I felt uncomfortable in that environment for a few different reasons.

One, the bathroom in the trailer didn't work for anything more than using the mirror to put on makeup and do hair. The toilet and shower didn't work, so we had to use the bathroom and shower at the mobile home park. We were lucky at least, in that they were right next to the trailer, but to have to get up in the middle of the night, in the cold, and walk to the bathroom really sucked.

Two, fifth wheel trailers are not that big. Very cramped space makes for no place to go when you need to be alone.

Three, her family owned the trailer. I can remember many times hearing the words "But this is my trailer".

Four, I had an old friend from Joseph City who lived a few blocks away, and we hung out most of the time together and left my roommate out a lot. Sometimes we weren't very nice to her, but neither my friend or I had a car, so we depended on my roommate to take us to the grocery store and to other places, even after we treated her badly.

Five, we were both immature and just didn't consider that all people have annoying traits and that you have to learn to deal with them or else at least discuss them calmly and rationally and not let them grow and fester until they blow.

My nervous habit was really bad during that time. I remember one time sitting on the couch watching a movie. We were watching Backdraft when it played on one of the network channels. She had seen the movie before and I hadn't. Before each part that she liked, she would tell me that she liked it and then pretty much tell me what was going to happen. Even after asking her to not do it anymore, it continued. I was so irritated, that I put the trash can between my feet, grabbed some paper and some scissors, and just began to cut the paper into little tiny pieces and watched them fall into the trash can. Snip, snip, snip, snip..... She got so irritated with me but I just kept going. It was almost like I had to keep snipping that paper to keep my anger and irritation in control. Very strange. I remember us having quite a big blow-up about that one.

That is the only time I can really remember using that habit of needing to keep the hands busy in a way as to irritate another.

It has been confirmed to me, and now to anyone who reads this blog, that I am a very weird individual. :)