I have been feeling a little blue lately. Not Blue the dog from Blue's Clues and certainly not blue like the smurfs. Just feeling down. I'm very sure that is the main reason why the blog has not been posted in much lately.

I'm really missing my life as a SAHM. I want to be able to help them with breakfast. I really want to be able to do the girls' hair every morning before school. Drop them off, while sitting in the car, of course. (I wouldn't want to embarrass them.) I want to have the time to clean the house everyday and have my family be able to come home to a clean, homey place. I want to have the time to bake and cook good meals for my family. I want to be able to pick the girls up from school every day and be able to drive them to a few after school activities that they might want to be a part of. Basically I just want to be there for them and for Martin.

I want to have time to do my crafts. I love crafts. I love making things with my hands and loving the look of the things I create. I want time to cultivate friendships. I have people here in town that I call my friends, but I sure don't have the time to treat them like they deserve to be treated. It makes me feel horrible to call them up and ask them for a favor, like picking the kids up from school, when I haven't had the chance to hang out with them for months. I hate feeling like all I do is ask for stuff from people and I'm not able to offer to do something for them or to even just be there for them.

I am just feeling really sad and overwhelmed right now with all of the stuff that I have to do and want to do. I had a bit of a discussion with Martin about it. I know that he can do what needs to be done to take the girls where they need to be, help them get ready for school, etc. He said the same thing. He is a great dad and I know that he can do all the things for the girls that they need to have done. Well, the doing the hair part is a little questionable on both of our parts actually. It isn't that I think he can't do it. It is that I "wish" I could do it.

So yeah, I'm feeling a little down, and there isn't really anything we can do about it right now. Martin is in his last year of school. Two more semesters and then he will be done. Hopefully by the time the schooling is over, we will have decided where we want to end up and be able to find jobs there. It would rock if Martin were able to find a job where he could make enough money for me to stay at home. Or if I could at least be able to work part-time or from home.

It isn't that I don't like my job either. I do like it pretty well. I wish that there were more work for me to do, but I certainly don't hate my job. I like most of the people that I work with. It is a very fun environment and most of the people are really awesome. For now I have to work full-time because of financial reasons, of course, but also because I have to provide the insurance while Martin is going to school. If we stayed in the area, which I hope we don't end up having to, if I could arrange a part-time schedule or something with them, then that is a job I would love to keep.

I guess I'm mostly feeling like it is hard to focus on family and get all done that I want and need to do there, and work full-time.

This this turned into a bit of a ramble, but it does feel a little better to have it out. Hopefully sometime in the not too distant future, we will be in a place where we can all be where we want to be and doing what we want to do.